Teaching the value of honesty to kids and teens

Common parenting myths about teaching honesty that encourage kids and teens to lie

For over a decade I’ve been writing books and teaching resources that help kids and teens learn to be honest, and to do it for the right reasons. So when I launched my recent book for adults on how to be a decent human, I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised that one of the topics people wanted to hear about most was how to teach their kids and teens to be honest.

Rooted in Decency book on defining your moral compass and core values, like honesty

Parents value honesty as one of the most important traits to teach their children. I can relate, because it’s what got me interested in writing about honesty and other good traits for kids in the first place. About 20 years ago, I saw that my children’s school seemed to be teaching them good traits in a way that didn't connect them to the value of being a good person. At the time, schools and parenting were so overly focused on self-esteem that my kids weren't learning about the self-respect that comes from being honest with ourselves and others. (What's the difference between self-esteem and self-respect?)

So I spent some time figuring out how to teach my kids to be honest and decent humans for the right reasons, and then, I created books and teaching resources that are now used in curriculums around the world. Since we all like to learn differently, I’ve gathered below some of my favorite resources on teaching honesty as well as a few quick answers to some of the most frequently asked questions I get about teaching kids to be honest.

Short answers to big questions on honesty for kids

Why do common parenting ideas about honesty actually teach kids to lie more?

The short answer to why common parenting ideas encourage lying is that they focus on the negatives of lying without teaching kids the positives that come with being honest. For example, harsh punishments don’t keep kids from lying, they actually encourage kids to become better liars because kids will do whatever they can to avoid the harsh punishment. While harsh punishments don’t work, neither does ignoring lying. Some parents ignore lying because they think it’ll make their child feel bad about themselves if they call them out on it. But ignoring lying doesn't make kids feel good about themselves, it just teaches them they have nothing to lose by trying to deceive you.

So how do you teach kids to be honest?

Rocky path on a hillside The way to teach kids to be honest is to show them the value of being honest. The super short version of why kids should value honesty is:

1. In general, kids like to make their parents happy and proud of them. If they know you value honesty, they’ll want to be honest to make you happy and proud. On the other hand, if they think their parent will be happier if they just tell them what they want to hear, then the parent is more likely to hear falsehoods, lies of omission, and other deceits that could be hiding serious issues.

2. In the long-term, lies feel bad and honesty feels good. Telling lies brings along lots of negative feelings, like worry, guilt, and fear. And psychologists point out that kids feel “bad” when they know they’ve done something consdered morally wrong, like lying. On the other hand, telling the truth may be difficult in the moment, but it has lasting benefits to a child’s sense of self-respect, pride, and their sense that they are a “good” person.

3. Having a reputation for being honest helps build trust in relationships. Whether it’s teachers, parents, or friends, people trust us more when they know they can count on us to be truthful. Trust opens doors to more freedom, more opportunity to explore life, and more connection with people who care about us—and that’s something most kids want.

There’s a lot to unpack here and you probably want more specific techniques to talk to your kids and teens about honesty. (You'll want to read or listen in one of the sources below for my essential technique on how to handle it when kids lie to cover up a wrong doing. Should you address the wrongdoing or the lie? Read or listen to see how to handle both in a way that teaches kids to truly view honesty as the best policy.) So check out these resources that go into more depth and can help you bring honesty into your home in a new way.

Resources about honesty

Articles

4 Myths about honesty that teach kids to lie more

Read a summary of research and ideas about why parenting approaches to honesty often don’t work as intended.

4 Techniques to teach kids to be honest

Read tips and techniques that address common parenting mistakes and instead teach kids to value honesty and the trust and self-respect that come with it.

Podcasts

Smart Family Podcast- younger kids

Listen to this episode geared toward younger children for details on the four myths and the four techniques to teach kids to be honest.

Power Your Parenting Podcast- teens

Listen to this episode about honesty for teens, and how to build trust so your teen will want to be honest with you about the important things.

Learning Resources

Book with a lesson about honesty

Be Proud, the first book in my Talking with Trees series on good values for kids, teaches children about listening to their conscience and the good feelings that come along with being honest.

Teacher tools on honesty

Find a collection of worksheets, what is honesty definition for kids, posters, presentations and more ready-to-teach lessons on honesty for the classroom, videos, and more resources for teaching kids what honesty is and why it’s important.

Defining your moral compass

If you want to explore your own ideas about honesty and truth in your life, then check out Rooted in Decency, my book for adults. Rooted in Decency, a book on defining your values and moral compass, including honesty

This free chapter on What is truth? talks about what being honest really means and how we balance our need to be compassionate and respectful to others with our need to tell them the truth.